Stepping Out

Knitting
I'm working on a new project. I have to stop doing this - I see a pattern that I love and I immediately start on it without finishing the one I was trying to finish! I guess it's a good way to keep from getting bored, but it's also a way to ensure I'll never finish the ones I'm trying to finish! It's a good thing I don't approach work projects this way! Anyway, here's what I'm working on right now. It's the Branching Out scarf, and I have crazy love for the pattern. Can you spot the place where I got off the line I was supposed to be reading in the pattern? It looks a little wrong in one place, but I still think it's pretty!

Blogging
Finally got the new Internet connection to work correctly. It was on my end, the cable from the main connection to the modem was too long and the Internet kept dropping out at random intervals and not coming back until it felt like it. It was frustrating, but now that the problem has been solved, I should be able to post regularly again. Thank goodness, because I was really getting annoyed with the spotty connection.

Writing
I posted some ads on Craigslist for my grant writing services yesterday. Speaking of grant writing, I also taught a class on it Thursday as part of my job and at the end I gave my information and told the people if they needed someone to write for them to contact me for a meeting. Several people came to talk to me after the class, letting me know that they would be in touch. I've been working on a couple of short stories and some other smaller projects. I tried poetry again, but it just didn't work out. I was inspired to write a poem while walking on a nature trail on New Year's Day with my parents. My dad went ahead to take pictures of birds and my mother and I walked together along the trail. We came to a fork in the trail and I started quoting "The Road Not Taken," then moved on to some Walt Whitman selections that I thought were appropriate. My mother said she wanted to start reading poetry more, that she always enjoyed it but didn't have a book of poetry or anything, so I brought her my Anthology of American Verse the next day. I haven't asked if she's been reading it, but I'm sure she has. But anyway, since that day, I've wanted to write a poem, but I just can't make it happen.

Work

I have five more weeks in my current position, which means five weeks to find something new. I've sent my resume to an average of one job per day for the last couple of weeks, so there are some prospects out there. There are a couple of opportunities that I prefer over the others, but I'll be happy with any of them.

Faith

I've come to the conclusion that no matter what happens, I've remained true to my ethics and faith, and that's what counts in the end. I've been listening to the Old Testament while driving to and from work for the last several weeks. I've discovered something that I never thought about before, even though I've heard the stories all my life. There is always a moment in the lives of God's children when he asks them to step out in faith. When the incident happened at work and I went back to my desk to think about what I was going to do, the words "step out in faith" came into my mind. I'm usually so responsible... always want to have my ducks in a row before stepping out to do anything. This time, I didn't. I felt it was important to step and see what happened next. I find myself praying a lot lately about the future and what is going to happen in the next five weeks. Although it is less about the money and more about me being happy, I do need to make a certain amount to continue paying my bills. I keep having these moments of panic, thinking I won't find a job within the time allotted and will have to figure something out. It is in these moments that I have to stop and pray. It's always worked for me before, so I can't - no, I won't - stop believing in it now. And if something doesn't come up within the next five weeks, I have to believe there is a reason for it.

Hope

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

Psalm 43:5

This verse comes at a good time for me. With everything that is going on, I'm trying to keep a sense of hope and peace in my life. When I feel pressure to be perfect, when my family is facing trouble, and when I am unsure about the future, I fight against becoming downcast because I'm a positive person who likes to look on the bright side of things. Do you know how I do that? By focusing on God, and by letting Him love me. I get my strength from His peace, hope, and love.

what God sees

"The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7

I'm reading a book called "Knight in Shining Armor." It's about finding and developing a Christian relationship. I think it has some very valuable advice, such as the section that goes along with the above verse. I've never been hung up on outward appearance, mainly because I've always considered myself average looking. I also tend to be attracted to average looking guys who have exceptional character, or who seem to have exceptional character... lol. I guess I'm a bad judge of character. But anyway, it was good advice. Maybe more guys should read it and stop looking at the "hot" bimbos that will only use them for their money and then drop them like hot cakes. Do I sound bitter? I'm really not. I just think it's sad that a person who has so much to offer can't give it to someone special because she's not the ideal. It gets me down sometimes, that's all.

But I'm not giving up. I'm not desperate for a relationship, as I said in a previous post, but I would like to find the right person one day. For now, I'll just keep praying and living my life the way I know I should live. If it happens, it happens... right?

trust

Trust the Lord with all your heart, and don't depend on your own understanding. Remember the Lord in all you do, and he will give you success. Proverbs 3:5-6

This was my verse tonight, and it came at the right time. There are many things in this world that I do not understand, many things I wish I understood. Sometimes I question why things happen. I think it's okay to question, but ultimately I have to trust Him. After all, He knows better than I what to do about the state of the world.

Faith

I've been thinking alot about faith lately. I've never been satisfied with my level of commitment, or with my relationship with God. This is something I plan to work on a lot in the coming months. I think it's vital to have a spiritual life, a connection with something bigger than ourselves. Whether that is God or something else really depends on the person and their individual beliefs, but for me, it's God. And for me, it's more about the relationship than the religion. Here is a verse that spoke to me today. It's the perfect way to start this journey, as it tells about the results of being more spiritual.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23

Lead of Love

This sort of goes with the last post, but I thought it deserved its own. I thought I had posted it long ago, but it looks like I didn't. I searched for it and couldn't find it, so if I did post it, I'm sorry. I think I may have sent it in an email to someone and just thought I posted it here. But anyway, here's the song that I feel defines my life. It really defines how I'm feeling right now and how I've always felt when I look back on my life, whether I'm looking back on the last five years or the last five days. It's something that I return to, something that gives me strength.

Lead of Love
Caedmon's Call

Looking back at the road so far
The journey's left its share of scars
Mostly from leaving the narrow and straight
Looking back it is clear to me
That a man is more than the sum of his deeds
And how You've made good of this mess I've made
Is a profound mystery

Looking back You know You had to bring me through
All that I was so afraid of
Though I questioned the sky, now I see why
Had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view
Looking back I see the lead of love

Looking back I can finally see (I'd rather have wisdom)
How failures bring humility (than be)
Brings me to my knees (a comfortable fool)
Helps me see my need for Thee

Looking back You know You had to bring me through
All that I was so afraid of
Though I questioned the sky, now I see why
Had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view
Looking back I see the lead of love

Peace, Joy, and Hope

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. Romans 5:1-5

I came across this verse tonight when I was having my quiet time, something I've neglected lately and am really trying start doing regularly again. It was just what I needed at the perfect time. That's one of my favorite things about spiritual meditation. I usually get just the guidance I need when I need it, if I'm really open to hearing what God has to say. I know this verse, have read it many times, but for some reason it resonates a lot with me right now. You see, I've been thinking a lot about peace, hope and joy. I can never rejoice in suffering when I try to do it myself. I have to ask for God's help. And He helps me. I know that sounds a little simplistic, but that's just the way it works for me. So tonight I decided to ask for help again. No circumstances should ever steal my joy. And I love the part about suffering producting endurance, endurance producing character and character producing hope. (kind of reminds me of the Yoda quote about fear leading to anger and anger leading to hate or whatever in Star Wars) But it's true. Certain things lead to other things, and I want my sufferings to end in hope. And I know they will, because they always do.